You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
