so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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