FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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