Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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