I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
