Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
