she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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