I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
