She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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