On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
