i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
