I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
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Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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