My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
