SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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