When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
