my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
