I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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