hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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