My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
