Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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