mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
