4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
