mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
