Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
