Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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