she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
