Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We're too hungover to prance.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
