I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Enjoy the penises
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
