She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
