Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
