The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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