I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
