Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
