I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
