There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
