After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
