I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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