I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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