I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
