Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
