if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
