even my farts smell like vagina
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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