I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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