he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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