Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
