last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
