Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
