i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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