No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
