then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian