they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
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I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
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4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.