Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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