Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
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Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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