my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
