What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
