I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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