help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
